Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.