Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Ha
Perfect
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I already tried new things thanks.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”