her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
You Might Also Like
canadian assassins are called killergrams
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.