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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.