*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos