idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo