Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Cause of death: Zumba
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.