Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears