I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Florida man
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.