Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I am never leaving this website
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler