*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Breaking news:
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich