[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
what’s the point then??
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”