I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.