me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
guys i’ve cracked the code
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you