People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house