Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
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I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
🙁
Hitlers gonna hitl
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Hotels are back
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No