My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.