grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags