I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.