date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
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Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back