My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.