INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
You Might Also Like
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I laughed at this way too hard.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Favourite diary entry ever
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.