9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
North and South
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
excuse me
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.