People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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I bought Oreos for my kid鈥檚 camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I鈥檓 really worried about you.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Wise advice
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can鈥檛 dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 馃憤馃徎
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”