You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
#milo