ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
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I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?