I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
still the best tweet of the year by far
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?