Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.