I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
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5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.