applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty