btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.