Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If a snake ate a cake
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.