Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I love wikipedia
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.