“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
You Might Also Like
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Feels
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or