My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
This will teach them to underestimate me
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.