I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did