Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man