The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Phonetics
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man