I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
So that’s what we looked like?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Lassie, get help!
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.