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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
When he asks for feet pics
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.