99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
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does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
wait.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no