Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: