damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”