My birth announcement for our third baby
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me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out