I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME