Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”