[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I ate everything, including the H.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
i hate you platonically
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.