I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
This was the best day of my life
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.