[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?