Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
me when i see my girls butt
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The point of your 20s
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.